I’ve been listening to a lot of Sasha Sloan. Caleb and I used to listen to her music. She is an artist that likes to sing about her really deep feelings. Caleb was the one who introduced her music to me and we listened to her all of the time. It was kind of our thing to listen to her music and sing the words that she wrote.
When Caleb died, I stopped listening to some of the main artists that we listened to together. We also shared a mutual love for Jon Bellion and even went to his concert. I associated all of these artists with good memories that I had with Caleb. In a weird way that I have tried to explain before but could never find the words to say, allowing myself to hear these songs was so painful. Usually you want to think about good memories and cherish them, but when I listened to these artists and their songs, it made me so sad because I shared these with him. I felt like I couldn’t listen to them anymore and definitely not with anyone else because they wouldn’t appreciate them as much.
I’ve also felt this way about listening to his music. I love the person he was when he was creating music. It has been hard to listen to his music because I was behind the scenes while he stayed up all night and was frustrated because he couldn’t get a verse right. I was there when he was discouraged about how he was going to make a living on his music career. I was there when we wrote a song together and had to practice our harmonies over and over again. And I was there when he proposed to me with a song he wrote while he sang to me with his guitar.
I don’t know why it’s hard for me to listen to his music, but it isn’t because I don’t like it, it’s because I love it too much to allow myself to feel that way again. I’m not ready to listen to his songs because I’m simply not ready yet and that’s okay. There isn’t a timeline for grief. Sometimes there are good days and bad. That’s why I prefaced that I HAD been listening to Sasha Sloan. I have allowed myself to start listening to her music and on some days it’s hard to, but other days, I find it necessary to feel some of these surrounding emotions around Caleb. I think that sometimes people think they can put a timeline on their healing. Before I went through this, I saw healing as a linear line. That xyz needed to happen and then I could go onto the next step.. and then the next.. and that you would just keep progressing and then eventually boom.. you’re healed! It doesn’t work like that. Healing is all over the place. Sometimes it’s faintly there one day, but then hits you like a train the next. Grief never ends and I don’t think it ever will because it is what we pay for the price of love. This is just one of my triggers that I have and I hope that whoever is reading this knows that you don’t have to apologize for the way that you heal as long as you are not hurting someone else by the way that you do so.