Throughout my life, I've been very blessed with the ability to know that I am good enough. I have never doubted myself or my own abilities. I've set very high standards for myself and have tried to follow through with the and achieve them. This being said, this doesn't mean that I haven't had bad days. I see this as a blessing because I know that there are many who struggle with self-worth and love.
Although I don't struggle with those thoughts, I wrestle with the fact of perfection. When I was 8 years old I started playing the harp. The harp is a beautiful instrument and is associated with peace, angels, and heaven. The music is so relaxing and blissful. Behind the scenes, there's a girl who has bloody calloused fingers and short nails. She sits on the bench and repeats the measure of a Beethoven piece until she gets it precisely perfect. Sometimes this girl will practice for months on a piece before she is ready to perform it.
Don't get me wrong, I loved learning how to play the harp. It taught me how to work hard for something, but over the years I have realized that trying to be perfect isn’t healthy.
During the last couple of weeks when serving an LDS mission, you fill out a document called, "My Plan." You write a ton of goals that you are going to accomplish when you get home from your mission and how you are going to keep them. Some of the goals that I made were to exercise every day for 30 minutes a day, to read the scriptures everyday, and to eat healthy.
After I returned from my mission, I fell short from a lot of these goals. I felt guilty for not following through with some of them because I thought it would make me less of a person and reflect my work ethic. When Caleb’s accident happened, I stopped doing some of the things all together. Trauma can do that in a person’s life.
I found comfort in chick-fil-a and sleeping more. I devoted more time to things that mattered more to me than checking off that I accomplished a goal. I started to live for me and realized that life is not going to ever be perfect and that is okay. I wish this was the case, but it isn’t.
As someone who has been a perfectionist all of her life, I can confidently say that I am more happy embracing the imperfect parts of my life and just owning them. It’s something that has been really hard. Caleb’s accident was out of my control and really threw me off so I am learning how to build a new life full of confidence and happiness. I have been learning and working on loving myself even if I fall short. It is healthy to love yourself and take care of your mental state. This is how you will be able to reach others.