He Can

Today was my last day of therapy.

I can’t help but feel emotional, but I am full of gratitude. I have been seeing the same therapist for the past 18 months. She has been there for me throughout my whole grief journey and has helped me understand myself on a whole new level.

I am so thankful for my mom and that she signed me up for therapy a week after the accident. I don’t remember a whole lot, but I was in so much shock and stress that I couldn’t even function. My therapy session was online through zoom because of Corona. I remember a lot of tears and headaches those first few sessions and few months. Lots of heartache and pain and I remember the anger and the sadness that I felt during some of those sessions. Sometimes I didn’t want to go on with therapy. But I did. I let go of my pride, and I am glad I did so.

Over my span of therapy, I saw change in myself, and now looking back, I realize that this was an appendage of the Atonement of Jesus. I used to come across people when I was on my mission in Houston that had suffered, and I mean anguished over their sins, hardships, and unimaginable trials. I was always so speechless and never knew what the right things to say were, so I would just listen. Sometimes, I would sit and cry with these individuals, and even hold them. I knew there was nothing that I could do or say to take away their pain, but to listen and be there for them. The only thing that could help them was humbling themselves before Jesus and many of them did. They prayed and talked with others. They began to take necessary steps to start healing and start again. They broke their usual routines and started to try different methods of healing like going to church and by reading their scriptures.

I didn’t notice it until now, but I recognize that Jesus was with me from the beginning of therapy and with me long before my lovey’s accident. I subconsciously knew this truth, but I have never experienced something so powerful as this. I used to think that I would be sad forever, but through therapy I have found that the grief doesn’t end, but there are different ways to channel your energy through and to devote your time to. You CAN be happy again. You can start again.

I have learned that Jesus believes in self-care. As a Christian, I used to believe that I should be devoting my time to other people all of the time and to cater to their needs like Jesus did. I realize now that I cannot nor ever will be able to handle the stress of someone else when I cannot even function and deal with my own. It’s exhausting. Mourning with those that mourn can mean comforting others from your own comfort zone and in your way and what you are comfortable to give. There is a reason why missionaries must be keeping the commandments and standards that are asked of them so that they can be the best teachers that they can be. This is the same with self-care and help. I have found ways to care for myself and love myself so much more than I ever have been before. I have a deeper understanding of the plan that God has for me and for my future. I have also felt in my heart and though I struggle and wrestle with this, I feel as though everything will work out in the grand scheme of God’s design. I know that I will see Caleb again and that all will be well. It is heaven right? It wouldn’t be heaven if everyone was worrying and had troubling anxiety. Everything will be right and cured by Christ.

Even though I am nervous about not attending therapy regularly, I am excited to start again. It doesn’t mean that I am ever going to stop having therapy. I may go back again if I need to. But I am an avid believer about seeking help from others and learning how to effectively communicate your feelings. I feel like there are some traumas that you can heal from with time, but I know from my traumatic experience, I needed not only help from Jesus, but with modern medicine and I really had to humble myself and let go of my pride. Going to therapy is partaking of Christ’s Atonement for me. I hope that my words can reach someone who wants to partake in their own journey of healing whatever that may be and I support you.

Love, MJ

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