It’s okay to feel your feelings. I’m sitting here writing my feelings at two in the morning. The nights are the hardest. I’ve always been a late night thinker and think of memories and situations that I have been in. I usually think of Caleb and the experiences we had. It is so painful to relive these memories in my head, in the dark, all alone.
Many have told me that I hold a positive outlook on this whole situation and many have told me that my story is “inspiring.” I don’t feel that way. I have to choose to have faith in a God that I’ve never seen and a Savior who has suffered for me. Faith doesn’t come naturally to me right now. It is in fact quite difficult. I don’t know who will read this but I’m sure that there is someone out there who needs to know that it is okay to not be perfect in your faith.
On the outside, it may look like I am doing well coping with Caleb’s death, but internally I am struggling more than ever. Missing someone that you cannot see or talk to is the hardest thing I feel like anyone can go through- especially a beloved spouse. I have been learning that everyone has their own internal struggles. I have fallen into the social media trap and have believed that everyone is doing okay and happy because of what their posts say. That’s not true. Almost everyone is experiencing pain or sadness due to a fallen world. It’s okay to be sad sometimes, but you can’t let it destroy you.
That’s why I have to trust in an infinite Atonement. Notice the word infinite. The word infinite literally means, “not finished.” Another definition says, “limitless or endless in space, extent, or size; impossible to measure or calculate.
"the infinite mercy of God.” I have faith in a being that is ALWAYS going to be there and is always going to listen to me when I feel like not going forward at all.
The Atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite, not immediate.
Sometimes as a Christian I think that if I pray that my sadness will go away I will be rewarded with that hope immediately. This is not the case. God has a perfect timeline for me, for you, and for all of His children. His Son’s Atonement is infinite and can heal you if you put in the effort and wait for the time that it will.
I share this to show you that I am not perfect and will never be. I don’t have a perfect faith, but I have a perfect brightness of hope in the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ, for it is the only thing that is getting me through. Someday I know that I will be able to heal from this. I just have to keep praying and trusting that I will have achieve this. God is not finished with you yet and will never be.