Updated: Oct 19, 2020
I love Caleb. I miss him more than I could ever express to ya'll. Not only was he my husband, he was my best friend and confidant. He was someone who just got me and understood me. My love for him is unchanging and never ending.
The night before Caleb passed away, my parents drove down to Orem and came to see me. Due to the coronavirus, they limited the amount of visitors in Caleb's hospital room so my parents just waited in the car outside. I don't remember a whole lot, but I just sobbed and sobbed about the fact that we weren't sealed. I was so distraught and I remember crying in the car with my parents about how I just wanted to be sealed to my lovey.
For people who don't know what it means to be sealed, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints believe and have faith that couples can be married for this life and for the life to come- for not just time, but for all eternity. This marriage ceremony is performed in the sacred temple of the Lord. The words inscribed on the outside of the temple read, "Holiness to the Lord, the House of the Lord."
Ever since that night, I wrestled with the thought that I wasn't sealed to Caleb. Many people told me that God would work it out and that I just needed to have faith, but, I was upset when they would say that. I did have faith. I did have a hope in God that it would work out but I still wanted this for us.
Caleb and I would talk about the day when we were sealed. We both were active in the church. We both loved to keep the commandments and live the gospel. We agreed to always put God first in our marriage because we knew that a marriage built on faith in Christ, would last forever.
Every night, I would pray to God and ask him if I could be sealed to him. I had some distinct instances where I received an answer that I should. Doubt and fear would creep into my mind sometimes due to other people's opinions and me overthinking it too much. But when it came down to it, I knew it was the right thing to do for us. We would have been sealed anyway if it wasn't for the temple closures. I wasn't sure if I could even be sealed to him because of this, but I emailed the temple and asked them. They unfortunately said that I could not be sealed yet because they were only doing sealings for couples that were both living. This led me to shed more tears, but my mom called the temple and explained the situation to the temple president. He responded and gave me special permission to do this.
I was able to be sealed to Caleb on August 22, 2020 in the Manti temple. His father stood in as proxy for him. For a traditional marriage ceremony in the temple, couples kneel across each other at an alter. For me, I kneeled across the alter from his dad who was standing in for Caleb. I was able to feel the spirit very strongly as the sealer spoke. He spoke about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how the sacrifice of Jesus Christ has covered it all. I always worried about what Caleb felt and if he was in pain, but I was relieved in the temple to know that he was covered by Jesus Christ, by a Savior that loved him, and that he was no longer in pain. I was reminded by him that Jesus Christ had already suffered for our pains and afflictions and that he has covered me as well and Caleb and I as a couple.
The sealer also shared with me that we don't even have a glimpse at what is to come. All we see is the worries of this life. We have no idea what promises and blessings that the Savior has in store for each of us. He reminded me that, "eternity is yet to begin."
I think about that phrase and cannot help but think that Heavenly Father would just take Caleb away from me and never let me have him back again. Love is an eternal principle. I am so grateful for the temple and that the Lord has given me and Caleb approval and the chance that we can be together forever. I look forward for the day that I will be able to see him again, but for now I just have the promise that eternity is yet to begin.