Allowing yourself to be Happy

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a little bit but I wasn’t sure just how to. I guess I was afraid of speculation, judgement, and feelings of non-understanding in general.

I still experience some of these same feelings but I have been learning that it is healthy to talk openly about your feelings, struggles, and life.

Back in December, I was feeling pretty lonely and isolated. I don’t remember ever being that lonely in my whole life. Becoming a widow was a serious adjustment for me. I uprooted my life from Provo and had moved back to Logan. I had to find alternate housing, (thankfully and by the grace of God with my best friends), find classes to take, and adjust to being single again which was really tough.

I remember one night praying to God and telling him that the loneliness and the isolation was getting out of hand. I was so used to talking to Caleb everyday for hours and hours and being physically with him. I began to have withdrawal and separation anxiety from being away from him which was super uncomfortable to bear with. During this prayer, I asked God to please just put the right people in my life to help me heal and grow. I asked him to help me not be so lonely.

I believe God answered my prayer in many ways. I met new people in many areas of my life. I had met my friend Britt in a tennis class and she introduced me to some of her work friends. We ended up all going on a trip to Florida together. I was also able to meet some different people in my Social Work program, teachers and professors that helped me and worked with me to help get my life back on track and with my academia. I could see my heart healing from meeting new people and I could see Heavenly Father answer my prayers.

Through the midst of this, I was able to meet a another wonderful person who has changed my life and perspective on things. He was so positive, caring, and understanding about my story and life, that I wanted to keep him around.

At first, I was against opening my heart to someone else because it holds immense room for Caleb, and always will, but I realized that our souls can hold more love for more than we give it credit to.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would find someone to make me smile and laugh again I probably would have yelled at you….sorry haha. I feel like people did tell me that but I didn’t want to listen because I didn’t understand and have the knowledge that I have now. I would say, “I’ll never date again!” Or, “I’m never going to get married again… ever.” I love change and experience that time can give you if you let it.

What I am trying to say is that I have found a way in my heart to make room for two people. I’m not a mother, but I do know this: When a mother gives birth to her first child and falls in love with her baby in her arms, she loves them with all of her heart. When her second and third babies come along, her heart expands. She doesn’t love the first child less, in fact, her love keeps growing. I feel like there is not a limit on how much we can love and give.

That being said, I have been dating this sweet man. He is kind and compassionate, and completely cares about my feelings and he also cares about and respects Caleb. He knows that I will always have an eternal place in my heart for him. He is sensitive to this. He has helped me become happier and enjoy life more. I go on more adventures and try new things. (Like golfing!) I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers and that he does care about my well-being- even though I am stubborn sometimes to see it.

I used to think that coping with grief meant that you kind of just had to let the sadness and the loneliness pass and then you could be happy, but you can still experience happiness among that sorrow and carson is helping me with that.

love MJ

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