Lots of things have bugged me since Caleb’s death. And one of them is not knowing a lot about what happens after we die.
When I was raised, I learned that when we die, our body returns to the earth and is retired to the grave, but that along with our body, we have a spirit. When we die, our spirit resides in a place called the spirit world. It makes sense to me, that our spirit, our soul, would live on after this life. What would be the point of all of the pain and suffering and lessons that we have learned here on earth? Of course our soul lives on because life is eternal. Over the span of my life, this doctrine and teaching has brought me peace, especially in really hard times.
When I was on my mission, my grampa Jan died. I looked up to this man and I always talked to him about religion, politics, and history. Learning that he passed away was sad and numbing, but I knew that the teaching of the spirit world was true because I was teaching it to others on my mission. While in Houston, I prayed that I would gain a testimony and conviction that I would see him again. I always relied on what I had been taught about life after death and that I would see him again someday.
We haven’t been revealed too much about the spirit world and what goes on there. There are limited scriptures in the Bible, Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants. We know that it is a place where the spirits of those who have died live before the Resurrection of Christ and it is a place where people can either accept Christ or not.
I can't help but ponder everyday about what will happen to mine and my husbands’ relationship. In the LDS church, we believe in temple marriage. A temple marriage is different from civil marriages in which we believe that we will be married for not just time, but for all eternity as well in a sacred temple of the Lord. I was blessed to be sealed to my sweet Caleb. (see my previous post, "Eternity is yet to Begin.") Something that I was unfamiliar with growing up is that men can be sealed to multiple spouses, but women cannot. For instance, if a man is sealed and his wife dies and he chooses to remarry another woman, he can be sealed to his second wife as well. If a woman is sealed in the temple to a man, and he dies, she cannot be sealed to another man. I hope that makes sense and I hope that I am explaining it so you all can understand. This is deep doctrine here.
Many people have told me their own opinions and what they think will happen to Caleb and I. Many have said that I will get remarried and be with someone else for the rest of my life and that I will have to ultimately make a choice when the day comes who I will have to spend the rest of eternity with. Even though I know that I will not be lonely in my lifetime, it still pains me to think that I will have to make the dreadful choice between the two of my husbands. I even had someone of higher authority in the church tell me that Caleb is dating in the spirit world. All of these assumptions in my mind bring me anger, fear, and put a strain on my relationship with Christ.
This just doesn’t make sense to me. Opinions aren’t doctrine. There is nowhere that says that these things are true and here’s why. God does not have a limit on the things that he can do. I think we as humans need to have answers now so it can satisfy a human need that we have within us. We can’t possibly wrap our heads around something of such eternal nature so we think of an answer that is practical even if it sounds heartbreaking.
I honestly don’t know what will happen and it absolutely is a leading cause in my heartbreak. We served missions together! We were faithful and so so happy. I don’t believe in a God that would just say, “alright the years that you knew each other, you’re just going to have to pretend like those didn’t happen.” Instead, I believe in Him being just. I think about all the lawyers and the intelligent people working in the judicial system. Christ is perfectly just, more just than them, or than any person earth. I believe that if God could take Caleb away, he can give him back. I also mourn with those that have also lost their spouses and have chosen to move through their grief and become remarried. I don’t think that their marriages and covenants are invalid. When we come to this earth we come to build relationships that we can take to the next life. I believe in restoration, peace, and joy, with all of the people that I love, otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven.
Thanks for listening to my rant, I just had to get this off of my chest. If you know someone who has lost a spouse, refrain from sharing your personal opinions about what you think is going to happen to them...UNLESS they ask you. I think in my instance, it was shattering to hear some of these people's opinions because I am so young and I do know that I will get remarried again. I didn't want people telling me that In my case, it has caused so much anxiety and hopelessness in my life. Wait until the person approaches you and asks you what you think. Again, opinions and thoughts about what will happen are not doctrine. I believe in a being that is bigger than all of us. I believe that there are things that we as mortals will just not understand even though it is frustrating. I find it completely frustrating as to why women cannot be sealed to two men. I just want to be transparent and honest and say that is one of my major frustrations right now and probably will be for a long time.
I do love Christ, despite these frustrations though and I hope that is enough.