For the last couple of months, I have had feelings of sadness, distraught, and hurt surge through my mind and body. Dealing with Caleb's death has been the worst thing that I have ever had to do. It was my worst fear, and I found myself living this nightmare that I had dreaded. I have found bitterness enter into my heart and have found myself becoming closed off to other people. I just haven't been feeling like the person I was before when I was with Caleb. I used to be a happy, excited, and ecstatic person who loved life and serving others.
I visited my parents' house this afternoon to gather some of my things. It was a rough start of the day this morning as I got ready, went to my Social Work class, and started going through the motions of the day. I often think to myself,
"What is my purpose now?"
"What is the point of me even trying anymore?"
"Will this ever get better?"
"Will I be sad forever?"
On Thursdays, I have a therapy appointment with my therapist. I was dreading this week because I was convinced that nothing she could say to me today would help me feel something other than sadness. My mom noticed that I was not happy. I told her what I was feeling and she said the only thing that will help you is service. That stuck with me for the rest of the day.
I got a text from the Relief Society president in our church congregation. I just barely got called as the secretary in the Relief Society. Our job as a Relief Society presidency is to minister to the girls in our congregation and help them feel like they are loved, important, and noticed. She asked if anyone wanted to go and do some home visits to some of the girls in our ward. Let me tell ya, I really did not want to go! I have found that serving others has been super hard for me during this time. The motivation has been hard for me to help others when I feel like I don't even know how to help myself. Despite all of these feelings, I quickly texted back saying I would go with her though. All of my plans fell through anyways. We ended up having a nice time visiting girls in our ward. The visits were simple, just asking them how they were doing and if there was anything we could do for them, and that we were thinking about them.
Tonight was actually one of the first nights that I felt slightly better. I have been thinking about it and I am relating it back to what my mom said earlier on in the day: "Marissa the only thing that will make you feel better is service." It is true. When we are serving others, the people we are serving are touched, but I think more importantly in my case, I was touched even more. I feel like I wasn't so dark, cold, and closed off. I was reminded of the times that I was a missionary who wore my heart on my sleeve and didn't have a care in the world other than caring about others. It also reminded me of Caleb. Caleb had a spirit of serving people around him. He lived a life that emulated the light of Christ. Caleb and I joked that we wanted to get called as ward missionaries because we would be bomb at teaching others about Jesus.
Service can change your heart. For a moment. It hasn't transformed me overnight, but I am reminded by the Savior and His example. When Christ's cousin and best friend John the Baptist died, He took time to mourn, BUT, he went on serving the people in the city. His miracles did not cease, yet, they were only beginning. I think that is what Christ is trying to teach me, that it is okay to be broken, but you can help others while being this way.