Ever since my sweetheart died, I have had a hard time feeling the love that he has for me. In my circumstance, I never got to say goodbye or tell him that I loved him for the last time while he was conscious. I never had the opportunity to express to him just how much he meant to me for the last time. It just wasn't the same in the hospital. I am just happy that we hugged and kissed goodbye that morning.
My world was changed in an instant. I was immediately accompanied with isolation and loneliness. It kind of felt like my lovey and I were divorced in some way; like we broke up, and that he didn't want me anymore because he was suddenly gone. From being with each other almost every day throughout our whole relationship, it has been a painful adjustment not talking to him every day. I have nightmares almost every night about Caleb and I not being together.
We were in love. Absolutely in love. Not the love that you see in the movies. I learned that love is being able to be comfortable with someone no matter what circumstance you are in. We were really poor and so we fell in love by watching One Tree Hill (an amazing show by the way) every night, lots of Jazz games, and by making dinner together. He would write and produce his music and I would stretch my legs across him on the couch while I did my homework for school. Many may say that this life was not a fairytale, but it was to me. Just living our lives together allowed us to grow in love. I was smitten to him and him to me.
This being said, I still have doubts that Caleb still loves me because we aren't able to talk anymore. I felt very sad a couple of days ago about this because it had begun to consume my life. My mom advised me to receive a priesthood blessing. For those who don't know what a priesthood blessing is, it is a special blessing that righteous men are able to give because they hold the authority of God. My bishop was willing to give me one of these blessings. He laid his hands on my head and offered a prayer of comfort. He was able to bless me to know that Caleb says that I am his treasure.
When my bishop uttered the words, "You are his treasure" tears filled my eyes and peace filled my soul for a moment. I feel as though Caleb was holding me and telling me of course I still love you. You're my wife. I was reminded of the song that Caleb wrote about me when he just barely proposed to me. The song is called, "Pearl."
Besides me, my lovey's passion was his music. I love that about him. He wrote music throughout his teenage years up until his last day. He went by, "CJSleeves." It is hard for me to listen to his music sometimes, but he often wrote about me. This song talks about me being his pearl. I listened to it for the first time in months a few days ago and it reassured me that I really was his treasure and that of course he still loved me.
Love stretches beyond death. I have faith that it does. When we pass on from this life, we take the feelings, experiences, and relationships that we made here on earth. I feel as though when Caleb passed, he became even more understanding, compassionate, and more full of love, then he was here on earth. Love is an eternal principle. It is the center of the plan of salvation. Love has been established from the beginning and I know for a fact that it will be at the end. I look forward to the day where I can witness this love again. I just have to hope that I will.